Belonging

So... I was going to write about this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't think anyone would read it. I didn't think my words mattered if there was no one there to read them. I had a rough night last night, though. I didn't know what to do. I was facing both old and new problems and I didn't know what to do. I went back, and read all of my old blog posts.

I didn't even recognize them as mine. I didn't recognize the person that wrote those as the same person that was reading them. For months, I haven't been the spontaneous, (mostly) indifferent person I used to be. I haven't been confident and hopeful like I used to be.

But going back, I realized that I missed that person. I missed being happy and hard to bring down. I miss being able to do whatever I felt like without worrying about it. I'm sick of being who I was before last year. So, I'm trying to find me again.

Anyways, on to belonging. Everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere. Whether it's in a clique or a club or a team or a church group. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world where they won't be able to be replaced or kicked out of, where they can totally and truly say what they feel and not have to feel the least bit awkward or uncomfortable.

I think everyone needs a place like that.

And So I Go

So... I haven't blogged all summer. It's not that I couldn't. I could. I mean, I had plenty of time. And there were times I wanted to go back to this other writing outlet I'm not at liberty to disclose to you today. I felt like blogging was just part of my life in this little po-dunk hick town I moved away from.. But that's not true. Writing's a part of me. It's something I love to do and it's also something I do well.


So.... I took my new car and used my  new license to drive to my new to the local library, I got out my computer, and wrote this. Here, I'm free from anyone's opinions of me because no one knows me. And if they see me sitting writing like a nerd... so what? (I'm pretty sure everyone else is on Facebook, but I can do that at home) That's who I am. And no one should be afraid of what people think of them, because unless they care for you and love you, their opinions don't matter to you.

This post was a lot different from my last ones. But it's a new year, a new town, and almost a new life. I'm going to miss all of the people I'm leaving behind. I know it was worth going. In the short two years I lived there I learned a lot. I just hope I keep learning.

Free Falling

Falling hurts. Even if you're the one that jumped.  I think we all get too lost in what could be, and what might be instead of what is. We always look for ways to make everything better, and if we're convicted enough in our findings we'll take the plunge.

Right now I'm free falling. I took a leap of faith and I don't know how far down I'll go. Right now it seems like I've got no one to catch me.

Sometimes, even if we're falling we need to look around us and take in the small things. The smell of coffee in the morning, friends and family gathered around and having a good time, the smell of horses and rain, sound of thunder, my little sister's tapping on my shoulder no doubt asking something idiotic.

I overthink everything. I can admit that. I can also admit that I need to stop focusing so much and just... be.

And So It Goes

And so it goes. Life goes, no matter what happens, it keeps moving forward. You can live in the past in your head, but the future is always rushing at you and you can't stop it. There are endings and beginnings. Sometimes there are things that seem like only beginnings, but it's always an ending too.

Today is the realization of a sad ending. But it's also a beginning. It's a beginning for the people leaving, it's a beginning for the people left behind. If there were no endings there would be no beginnings.

Without forgetting what I've had, I've just got to look ahead. At the beginning.

Words

When the words won't come is when they need to come. So open your heart and free your soul. Pour your heart out on the page and free yourself from the harsh criticisms of the mind. Don't worry if your words aren't good enough for someone else. Don't worry if they're not good enough for yourself, because they are. You know more than you give yourself credit for. So please, don't give up on your words. They've saved me. They can save you too.

The Ledge

I am afraid of falling.
There's this ledge I need to walk on.

I'm afraid
because I don't know how far down I'll go
--If I fall—
Or if
anyone will catch me

I'm afraid
because I know if I don't walk
I won't move forward

but I can't see where I'm going.
so I'm afraid
to walk
into the unknown

but I'm afraid to be afraid;

Of plummeting because I
took a misstep

Of moving forward
into the things
I cannot see

Of standing still
and never, ever
going anywhere

I'm afraid of being
on this ledge
that really,
isn't a ledge at all.

Hope

What is hope? It's a soaring in your chest, a fire in your gut and a crap-load of maybes, what-ifs, and hopefullies. Is it unreasonable to say that some hope is stupid? Yes, because stupid hope is blind to reason, and it keeps saying "You want this. You never know. Just don't give up," even though all of the signs point to that thing never panning out.

Don't get me wrong, hope is not a bad thing. But stupid hope is, because you're destined to be beat down. That blind hope is going to be broken into pieces and that's bound to hurt. Because when your riding the hope and then it falls out from underneath you, you're going to fall. It depends on you, how hard you fall because even though the blind hope was there, there was the reason behind it telling you that it was a bad idea.

Guilty As Charged

I'm guilty. Of little things, but they're there. They're there for everyone. We're guilty of criticizing ourselves too much. I do the same thing. I say 'sorry' a lot for nothing, but the truth is that I'm nervous or when I'm not quite in my element. This is my way of coping with the criticizing I force on myself. I'm guilty of thinking I understand things when I really don't. Jumping to conclusions, or assuming. I like to think I'm intelligent, but all the intelligence in the world doesn't make me understand a situation any better, only the knowledge other people can give me. I over think things, and I make myself crazy for it. I talk to myself like a crazy person just to tell myself to shut up.

A friend told me that they get jealous of other people easily. I get jealous too. Jealousy is a human emotion; we can't stop it. But I think we need to remember that, whatever the reason it is that we're jealous, we're us. I'm the best me I could possibly be, with only room for improvement.

So, we all have cracks and chips and dents in our china, but if you focus on the faults you'll fail to see the beautifully painted vase or bowl or teapot or whatever it is you are. Just be the best you you can be, and don't envy others. Rock that teapot.

Untitled

You just have to make the best of things, right? But what if what happens or what you want but can't have hurts so bad it feels like you're chest is caving in, your heart crushed by the constricting hopelessness you feel. 

I've always wondered how I could feel like I was breaking apart inside and no one would ask what was wrong. Did they not care? Or was I just good at hiding it? 

I don't want anyone to feel helpless or hopeless or hurt or angry or even merely frustrated. I know that's an unreasonable goal, so I'll settle with the best I can do. Which is as simple as asking if people are okay, and talking to them if they feel like it.

Change

Change is difficult, no matter what kind it is. There will always be grieving for something lost. Change is scary, no matter if it's good scary or bad scary. Change is something that we all encounter. The choice is yours whether to fight it all the way, or to accept (if not embrace it) and move on. I'm not saying that you should forget everything you have left, but don't be too caught up in the past to accept the future; no matter how difficult it is.

Hope is the only things that I have now, and I know some how, some way, things might just be okay. Even if it feels like I'm breaking apart inside.

Dear People

Dear People,

You are amazing. You know that, right? Because we all have bad days. We all have days where we sit in bed and cry our eyes out. You want to know why you're amazing? Because you just keep going like the frikkin energizer bunny or something. You have the will to keep smiling even though you may be breaking on the inside.  The strength to wear your heart on your sleeve and take things as they come. You have the strength to brighten someone's day, even when you don't have the strength to brighten your own.

People are always more critical of themselves than everyone else is. Someone once told me not to take myself so seriously; no one else did. We're all human. We all have bad days, good days, okay days and maybe just 'there' days. We all feel like quitting, inspiring, hoping, dreaming, wishing, losing, hating, creating, faking, and being at one point or another. We're all good at some things and suck at others.

So, while I'm sitting here writing words of hope like the biggest hypocrite in the world, I want you to believe my words. Maybe if you believe them I will too.

Thank you, everyone. For showing me that there are amazing people out there. There are people who will care. A very important friend once told me that I was only pathetic to myself. I hope I have the courage to believe that.

You're all amazing.

With Love.

A Tough Habit

I stress about things. I was going to write a post about stressing about things but I started stressing that I couldn't find the right words. Writing should be a release, right? You shouldn't have to stress about finding the right words because if they are the right words they're going to come naturally.

I couldn't sleep because I was stressing about something that, this morning, I realized was a complete misunderstanding. And I'm stressing because I'm stressing because I think maybe other people will misunderstand the same thing in the same way. I'm stressing because I'm stressing because I'm stressing over things. I didn't sleep because I was stressing. If I had slept I wouldn't be stressing over stressing. I wouldn't be stressing about not having the right words.


But for now on, I'm going to try and take a friend of mine's advice; 'don't worry so much.' Because, you know what? In the end everything is going to be okay one way or another. That's already one of my convictions (things can't not get better). So, if I believe that everything will be okay why should I stress about the little things that aren't a big deal?

It's going to be a tough habit to break. Because you know what? I grew up stressing. Over finances, hurt horses, hurt parents, grades, and stupid things. I'm not saying that you should never stress. You wouldn't have any will to fix things, but maybe I shouldn't stress so much.

This seems a lot more personal than my other posts. But I'm not going to stress about it. :)

Regret

I haven't always been outgoing and spontaneous and (mostly) indifferent to peoples opinions of me. I used to be so worried about people thought of me. I hid behind my shy mask, so people wouldn't have the grounds to judge me. They did anyways, so I decided to do something different.

So, this year was the year I peeled my shy mask away. I just didn't do it soon enough, because there are so many people that I didn't get close to because of that. And now there's no time to get close, because the year that I finally became myself is coming down to an end. It'll be summer, and so many opportunities will be gone forever.

I've always been the type to regret what I didn't do, rather than what I did. That's why I moved here. That's why I did track. There's a few things I've done this year because I knew I would regret it if I didn't. So now, sitting here, I regret not getting closer to people.

I'm debating putting this up. But I will, because it goes that, in the end, I'd regret it if I didn't.

Courage Is

I've been wanting to write about courage for a while because quite a few things in my life have been revolving around it lately. I just haven't found the words until now.

Is it courage that makes you say things that need to be said? Sometimes I think you have to have courage to say things that need to be said to a person who is too close to the situation and accept the repercussions of anger. They're going to be angry with you for disagreeing, but I've never been one to simply agree because it was easier.

Other times, when things need to be said, it is for your own benefit, and there might not be many repercussions at all, but what needs to be said is something you have to say, simply because you feel the need to. Is that courage?

Is it courage that makes someone accept a terrible fact and do the things you need to do to fix it? It's not their fault, but they are not okay, and deep down, I think they know they're not okay. I just want them to have the courage to accept facts.

I do not think true courage is facing down a hungry wolf in the dead of night. That takes on a different aspect such as the primal need to survive. I believe courage is standing up for what you believe in and accepting the repercussions. I believe that courage is maintaining your convictions because you are being true to who you are before you're being true to someone else. Courage is putting your ideas out there for everyone to see and not being afraid of their opinions, and it is focusing on your strengths rather than weaknesses. In a poem I once read, Our Greatest Fear by Marianne Williamson, it states that we are afraid of how magnificent we are rather than how much we are a failure. It is courage that lets you accept that you are afraid of the light in you, and it's courage that let's you believe you have light in the first place. Are you going to be courageous?

Convictions, Maturity, and Life Experiences.

And so it goes that one of my firmest convictions in life is that maturity matters more than age. Maturity comes with age, sure, but there are those that are mature for their age. Life experiences affect maturity more than age alone, anyways. A boy whose family struggled to get by and copes with his older brother in a gang is going to be more mature than a girl the same age who had a fairly stable family, simply because his life experiences were more difficult and he was stronger for it.

This goes on, and another of my firmest convictions in life is that every life experience we endure is meant to change us in some way, and hopefully it changes us for the better. Everything we get through will make us stronger, and we'll always be a little better for it.If we handle the hard times with the best of our intentions, we'll always get through if we don't give in, and if we don't give in we'll always get through.

Keep It Going.

And so it goes there are people that won't like you, won't tolerate you, or won't even acknowledge you. These are the people you just don't see eye to eye with, that you're on a totally different field. You don't have to be friends with these people, but keep it civil. You don't need your personal arguments and feuds, jealousies, and spiteful words out there for the world to see. Keep it between you and the person involved. Don't spread things around, even if they are true.

This goes back to the whole corny "Treat unto others as they treat unto you," but instead, try treating people better than they treat you. Important people in my life have always said to kill them with kindness, because no matter how hateful they are, they've got their own reasons and their own problems. Besides, the people that matter won't believe, or even if they do they just ignore them, the rumors circulating the air and treat you like they've always have.

So-- I'm going to keep being kind, keep trying to make people's day just a little bit brighter, and always be there for someone to talk to. Because that's what I would want them to do for me to show they care. Keep that love going, because life's just going to keep going and keep moving faster.

Acceptance

And so it goes that sometimes people just have to accept facts. For instance, I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm not going to be a great basketball player. I'm not giving up hope on becoming a player that's more than somewhat decent, if that's what it seems like, but I'm just accepting the fact that it's not my strong suit. While I'll still try hard, I'm not going to be disappointed if I'm not a Varsity starter or even make at all Varsity next year. I'm just going to work hard and do my best for the team I'm on. It's all anyone can ask of anyone when it comes to sports.

There are harder things to accept, I know.The fact that the way you feel, while it matters, doesn't change anything. The fact that a loved one isn't going to make much longer in this world, and you'll see your family stomp and kick and scream death in the face and it doesn't make a bit of a difference. The fact that sometimes you can't do enough for the person you know is going through a hard time. The fact that sometimes, you're just not good enough. Or even sometimes, you're the only things keeping a person from falling apart.

Trying and Knowing

You remember those nights that you feel like giving up? Of course you do. What happens when you have one of them? Well, I'm one of those people that come up with a plan of sorts. I know that if I give up I'll be no better than the type of people I pity; those who have given up before it's even over. So what if I tried harder, but stopped caring who noticed? The ones who notice are the only ones who matter, right?

And so it goes that if anyone out there reading this that doesn't know me in real life would think that I'm too young to talk about life like I know what it's about. Maybe those that do know me in real life reading this think I'm too young to talk about what life's about.

I'm going to tell you with conviction that I don't know what it's about. Does anyone? This is just what I have learned so far. I'll learn more, I'm sure. Maybe my perspective will change. I'll see new things, learn new things.

Maybe someday I'll be able to stand up and say that I did my best. Maybe someday I'll be able to stand up and say I touched someone's life in such a simple yet profound way that I'll be able to tell you how that is. Maybe someday I'll be able to say....

Just Be Yourself

And so it goes that people change over time. Normal, right? Right. But is it normal to change so much in so little time that the people who thought they knew you can't even tell if they're the same person any more?

Why is that? How and why do people change so much? Is it because they're fake now? Or that they'd never been real? They put on so many fake masks to try and please everyone and make everyone happy that they don't know who they are anymore. They've lost themselves among the hundreds of people they've created trying to please others.

My advice for those people is to just be yourself. Let the people that don't like it not like it and don't worry about it because the only person that has to like you is you.

What's that? People won't like you if you're just yourself? Trust me, some will. More people are going to dislike you for your lies and fakeness than the people that don't like you. Why would you want to be fake anyways?

Random Stuff, from December 'till now.

Underestimated

People underestimate the breath I take
People underestimate the moves I make

But I keep going
But I keep trying

Because I know that one day
I will no longer underestimate myself

My Turn to Say Something

You say you would do anything for me.

So why is it that you complain about the things you do do for me?

You say there's barely enough time. You say there's not enough money.

You use the things you do do for me to manipulate me into doing what you want. You bring it up, tell me how great you are. Tell me what a bad situation my needing something has put you in.

Every time I try to tell you how you make me feel you push it back on me. You tell me that it's my fault. My feelings are wrong. I'm just a hormonal teenager, my feelings don't mean anything.

So listen here. Hormonal or not there is a cause for my feelings. Nothing is without cause or effect, nothing is random.

 If you say you loved me so much, why do you try to bend me to your will for every little thing? You tell me that I'm stubborn, that I don't listen, I don't know what I'm talking about. You tell me that I'll understand when I'm older.

It's a damn good thing I'm stubborn; otherwise I'd end up exactly like you.

I'm not the only one that's no longer blind. I'm not the only one who sees.

Well, guess what? I am old enough. I see through your games and I'm not playing anymore. If only you saw as well as I do.

Here, There, Feeling and Unfeeling.

Before, I was numb. I did not feel because I was trapped. I was trapped under ice so thick that only the worst of emotions could reach me, and then only dimly. So, I focuses on being angry, sad, pessimistic, frustrated. All so I could feel. I'd gotten into the habit of feeling the bad, so much so that I forgot how to feel the good.

Now, it feels as if I've woken up for the very first time. I've broken through the surface of the frozen lake. I struggled at first, struggling to cast off the habits of negativity. I had to teach myself to focus on the good things, teach myself to be more optimistic.

But most of all, I've allowed myself to feel, and to feel deeply.

It feels good.

Diamonds

Every diamond has cuts and facets. So many fronts and faces that can either be good or bad. All of these cuts and facets, fronts and faces are unique to that individual gem. These pieces make up the whole, and if you focus on the whole you see that it is beautiful. Each one shines brightly in its own way.

Card Houses

There's a house of cards
If one falls so does another
Till they're all laying on top of each other

They look to each other for support
Leaning together to stay upright
They know they share a single fight

So fragile they are
One blow could leave them falling
By then no one would hear them calling

Still, they stand tall
Building each other up high
High enough to reach the sky.

But if one falls so does the other
Until they're all laying on top of one another

Anger

I've felt this anger before

Boiling, hot, and righteous

Can barely contain it

But I keep it in

Letting it out all at once

won't help

Words

Written words make it real. They last far longer than those spoken. Spoken words linger for only a moment before dissipating in the air, kept only in the mind. Written words can be erased, but the ink or lead sticks in the grains of the paper; you can never completely erase them. If your private words had gotten out, they could easily be seen, copied, and spread around. Words and thoughts kept in the mind are even more sacred. Hidden from all, sometimes even yourself, they are not there for people to see or hear, agree with or judge.

Repercussions

And so it goes that, just like Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion, for ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can be applied to life, as well. For everything you do will affect someone or something, and there's nothing you can do about it. Even decisions made with the best of intentions can cause the worst of situations. But what can you do, but keep making decisions with the best of intentions, even if they don't work out they way you'd hoped?

I guess as long as we do our best, we'll keep getting by. We'll do our best to solve problems as they come along, we'll do our best to keep getting the most out of life-- even if it means we'll make risky choices. Wouldn't want to be a boring wallflower, now, would we?

Sureties

You know those nights where you think: “I’m just going to go to bed, and hope things will be better in the morning.” 

Those are the nights where you feel like you want to just quit trying so hard. Give it half your effort, rather than all of it. Give up, in a sense. If you gave up, though, then you lose. You lose, and then you are a quitter. You are being a wallflower, letting life do what it wants with you and being content with that.

Maybe you wanted something so bad, but you were afraid of just going for it in the best way. Or maybe you tried your best; you gave 100 percent and then some, but it didn’t make one bit of difference. Maybe you know you’ll keep giving your best, and you also know it won’t help at all. Maybe no matter what you did, it wasn’t ‘correct,’ and you got chewed out because of it. Maybe you made a decision you’re not sure about, but you’re going to follow it through anyways because that’s just the way you are.

Maybe you’re sick of ‘maybes’ and ‘chances’ and just want something solid beneath your feet.

Life rarely has sureties, almost nothing is certain. There is always a ‘chance,’ or a ‘maybe’ that something will come along, either good or bad, that changes things. And so it goes that the only surety is the fact that nothing is for sure.

Spontaneity

Sometimes people wish for the most impossible things. A few years ago, all I wanted was a pair of wings so I could fly away (symbolic, much?) Now, I know my wishes aren’t impossible, just seemingly so. At least I know what I want, or I think I do. Some people don’t have a clue other than that they’re sure something’s missing in their life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did something so totally out of context, so random and unexpected, what would happen. People’s reactions would be priceless.

Like, say, I punched some random (or not so random) person in the face. People would be shocked, because that’s not something people would ever imagine someone like me doing, but the deeper reactions aren’t something I can even begin to imagine. It would change the way people saw me, if only for a little while.

Maybe, if you are insert appropriate emotional state here with your life, you could try to do something outside of your comfort zone? No matter how close it is to being something you usually do.

I did ramble a bit, I know. I usually tend to when I start to write. But… no matter happens, life keeps going. You can sit and be content with how crappy, unexciting, mundane, predictable, or just plain boring  things are, or work to change that, no matter how small your efforts.