Unfeeling

I need to write more. Not because people need to read it, which ,really, I'm fairly sure no one does unless I tell them to. But I need to. Because I think I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I am upset a lot of the time, either angry or sad or I just don't know. Maybe through writing I can find myself again. Except I feel as if there's nothing to write about, because I don't feel anything these days. I'm numb and even when I'm angry or sad I'm still numb. I hate that nothing really happens to me, and I'm still upset.

I can't even write about how I don't feel anything.

I need to find something that makes me feel.

God, this sucks

Check Engine

You're not good
                      like my 'check engine' light
You're not good
                                                              You could be if you tried
                                          be the one that gets me tongue tied
                                                              You could be if you tried
Don't you hurt me
                      because I know you will
Don't you hurt me
                                                                     I'd love you, if you'd let me
                                                      earn my trust and keep it too
                                                                     I'd love you, if you'd let me
Let me show you the sweeter side
                  things that mean more than trophies or pride
Let me show you the sweeter side
                                                                             Baby, just let me help you
                                                                 bring out that good deep down
                                                                             Baby, just let me help you

                                                     It'll save us both the long way around

SSS

"Step to the edge, you and I

And we fall below

Take a breath, hold my hand

And now you're not alone"

- Munich, The Fray

SSS

It's Sunday... not Saturday. Oh, well.

"And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world"

- Ellie Goulding, Your Song

It must be the worst thing in the world to feel like the only option you have it to end your life. I don't think the people that feel this way understand that their story is worth something. Their past is worth telling, and their future is worth being written.

Do they not see the lights? Do they not see all these people walking around, each having their own story to tell? Do they not see the care in their loved ones eyes?

It's like closing a book in the middle of the story, and once you shut it, you can't open it again.

It just saddens me. I want everyone to see their own light, I want them to realize their story is worth telling. I don't want anyone to feel so alone.

SSS

Silence Sucks Saturday....

Well... It's Sunday. Get over it, I was busy!

And I'm done being rude. Happy Easter, everyone!

"Never let your fear decide your fate."

- Kill Your Heroes, Awolnation

Sometimes there are those mistakes in life that could either be one of the more stupid things you do or it could turn into something worthwhile. When you're a teenager you're supposed to make stupid mistakes, do stupid things. The reservations and careful calculating are supposed to be something adults have because they've acquired it.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that you have to live your life. You can't not do things because you're afraid. What kind of life is that?

"I don't want to drive in a big city because I'm afraid."

You're going to miss the lights, and the people who all have their own story, the grand wonder of all these people and places and things. You'll stay home in your little world and won't ever know anything else.

"I don't want to ask her/him out because she/he might say no."

What if she/he doesn't say no? What if she/he says yes? You'd miss out on a tender and monumental time in a teenager's (and probably some adult's) life. And if she/he does say no? Well, it's going to hurt. But you should feel proud that you had the courage in your heart to go for it despite the risk.

Just live your life. Don't be too afraid to live it, because that's not really living at all.

Ten Minutes - Paulo Coelho

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?

If I Knew

If I Knew what I was doing I'd be doing it. Because I'm only a sophomore.... only a sophomore? NO! I'm a sixteen year old girl that turned her depressing self-esteem issues into confidence that borderlines vanity. I play the tenor saxophone.

And I'm pretty bomb at it. I write. Anything, really. Stories, poems,........ blogs. Obviously. I love my friends. LOVE them. But... my old friends from my old home. My new friends.... they're my friends but I don't know if I'll ever be as close to them as those from before.

I like jewelry. Any kind, really. Dangly earrings, hoops, lockets, bangles, anything I just happen to like. That's kind of how I dress, too.

I love music. I can fall into it, let it wash over me like waves over rocks and smooth the rough edges of my soul.

...............

Corny, I know. But it's true.

I don't like things because other people like it. I like things because I like them.

I don't like people hurting each other, and I don't like to see people hurting. I'll help if I can.

I drive a red car.

I'm uber boy crazy. But aren't all near vain, 16 year old girls?

I'm just me. I don't play games.

I'm just me. But that's a lot. I'm not "only a" anything.

SSS

"I need a sign to let me know you're here

All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere

I need to know that things are gonna look up

'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup"

-Calling All Angels, Train

I'm running out of options
I'm running out of time
It's seems I'll never
Reach that finish line

I've tried to be happy
I've tried to be true
But it hurts so bad
Because all I want is you

I'd hand you my heart
Saying "take it, it's all I've got"
And we'd get a start
That I'd have never thought

I've ran the race
More than I care to remember
And always finished last
Like the last month is December

They say you learn more from loss
And I guess I've learned a lot
But learning nothing from winning
Can tear a hole that burns hot

I exaggerate perhaps
When I claim to not be over you
It's the idea I think
The thought of you

If life were easy
I'd always win
But I guess it's a game
For this reason

You can't always win
Some never do
For me, though
I hope that's not true

Note Card Poems

Boxes

Like a box of memories
You take me back
to those good ol' days

Songs and Stories

I need a song

A story to tell

A place in my heart

Where good things dwell

Sunblossoms

Swirl of colors

Bright as blossoms

You make me feel them

In my soul

Sound of Music

It's like music

Like raindrops on tin

It's like hope

Like a good storybook

It's like joy

Like bubbles on a summer's day

It's like life

It's like the sweet little things

Silence Sucks Saturdays

"I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me."

Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting

Silence Sucks Saturdays

"You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before"

-"Never Say Never." The Fray

I'm pretty sure I don't know what I want anymore. I used to, but now I don't. I heard a quote somewhere that "it's miserable to not be able to have what you want most. And it is. But it's impossible to not know what you want."

And I totally agree. While I'm totally depressed when I know what I want but I also know that I can't have it. But when I don't what I want I'm just kind of numb. I have fun, and I feel things, but I don't feel them deeply.

Deep feelings are what people live for. It's why we're human. Deep feelings that run like canyons in the depth of the soul, with roaring rivers at the bottom.

It's what life is all about. And when you don't know what you want it's hard to feel your heart.

Jitters

Coffee gives me the jitters.
The sweet, bold flavor's got me addicted
And running high

You used to do that to me
Give me the the jitters
Butterflies in my stomach
Tongue tied in knots
Brain abuzz like it's swirling with caffeine

It's gone now
The feeling
Because it was one-sided
Because of the distance
Because of the time

Maybe it's better
Maybe it's not

But it's a bold flavor, sweet and robust all in it's own
You just can't make in your home
You can't feel it all alone

Silence Sucks Saturday

"And the street lights say never mind, never mind

And the canyon lines say never mind

The sunset says we see this all the time, never mind

Never you mind"

-John Mayer, In Your Atmosphere

You still make me feel like a fool

But it's okay

I guess

I'll get over it

I had Districts for band today. We got an overall score of 2, and 1+ is the best you can get. So I feel pretty good about it. . . . except I had to miss my little sister's birthday party.

I couldn't stop laughing, and everyone would laugh even harder because of it.

I saw a green tenor saxophone today. It was kind of ugly, but the black and silver ones made my day.

I just had the best cup of cold coffee of my life. It always makes me feel good. Call me an addict, I don't care.

I feel like I'm silent too much, never saying what really in my heart needs to be said. Perhaps it's better for everyone else if it goes unsaid.

Probably.

Maybe. 

I wish I was good at something. I'm decent at a lot of things, but I'm not jaw-dropping amazing at any of them. Mediocre fits me pretty well, but whatever.

We have another concert Tuesday. I actually care about this one because the Jazz band I'm in is performing.

I missed last Saturday because I was visiting my father and he doesn't have internet.

Ah, well. 

Coffee time again, I think <3

Days like today make me miss the good ol' days.

Actually. . . they weren't that good. But there was something safe in how they were. Something safe in the fact I knew what was coming, knew what would change and knew what I wanted to change. Something safe in the predictability.

I miss the getting jitters, butterflies. I miss practices in the evening and being so sore I couldn't move. I miss weekend long tournaments. I miss being so bored I wanted nothing more than to escape on the next semi truck out of town on my way to Montana. I miss four hour long conversations about the meaning of life.

I miss all of that.

I miss my friends.

I just. . . miss it.

Silence Sucks Saturdays

So. . . you see what I did there. . . last Thursday? Well, I'm doing it again, but it's Saturday. My friend that also has a blog on here has a Wordless Wednsday, and I'm going to post something EVERY Saturday, and there will always be song lyrics even if that's the only thing present. So . . . here goes.

"Before we start to lose our minds

We're leavin' all the haters behind

Before the sun decides to hide

I know you think I'm maybe out of line

I'm scared to love what we love the most

It's only gonna take a little time

Before we start to lose our minds"

-- Wake Up, Awolnation

(Untitled) by Neverjinxd

Perhaps I'm a little lonely

Waking up in a strange land

Wishing I could save the things

So extremely dear to me

In a jar

Upon my nightstand

My heart hurts once in a while

More like once a day

Because of all the things

I never got to say

I just miss you

all of you

My dearest friends

You'll never be replaced

Even if you'll do

that unthinkable act

to me someday

Breaking Radio Silence

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

-"Drops of Jupiter," by Train

A Valentines Day Hope:

I hope for someone

Who can open my heart to the violins in their soul
The drumbeat in their heart
The passion in their voice
The music in their love

Belonging

So... I was going to write about this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't think anyone would read it. I didn't think my words mattered if there was no one there to read them. I had a rough night last night, though. I didn't know what to do. I was facing both old and new problems and I didn't know what to do. I went back, and read all of my old blog posts.

I didn't even recognize them as mine. I didn't recognize the person that wrote those as the same person that was reading them. For months, I haven't been the spontaneous, (mostly) indifferent person I used to be. I haven't been confident and hopeful like I used to be.

But going back, I realized that I missed that person. I missed being happy and hard to bring down. I miss being able to do whatever I felt like without worrying about it. I'm sick of being who I was before last year. So, I'm trying to find me again.

Anyways, on to belonging. Everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere. Whether it's in a clique or a club or a team or a church group. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world where they won't be able to be replaced or kicked out of, where they can totally and truly say what they feel and not have to feel the least bit awkward or uncomfortable.

I think everyone needs a place like that.

And So I Go

So... I haven't blogged all summer. It's not that I couldn't. I could. I mean, I had plenty of time. And there were times I wanted to go back to this other writing outlet I'm not at liberty to disclose to you today. I felt like blogging was just part of my life in this little po-dunk hick town I moved away from.. But that's not true. Writing's a part of me. It's something I love to do and it's also something I do well.


So.... I took my new car and used my  new license to drive to my new to the local library, I got out my computer, and wrote this. Here, I'm free from anyone's opinions of me because no one knows me. And if they see me sitting writing like a nerd... so what? (I'm pretty sure everyone else is on Facebook, but I can do that at home) That's who I am. And no one should be afraid of what people think of them, because unless they care for you and love you, their opinions don't matter to you.

This post was a lot different from my last ones. But it's a new year, a new town, and almost a new life. I'm going to miss all of the people I'm leaving behind. I know it was worth going. In the short two years I lived there I learned a lot. I just hope I keep learning.

Free Falling

Falling hurts. Even if you're the one that jumped.  I think we all get too lost in what could be, and what might be instead of what is. We always look for ways to make everything better, and if we're convicted enough in our findings we'll take the plunge.

Right now I'm free falling. I took a leap of faith and I don't know how far down I'll go. Right now it seems like I've got no one to catch me.

Sometimes, even if we're falling we need to look around us and take in the small things. The smell of coffee in the morning, friends and family gathered around and having a good time, the smell of horses and rain, sound of thunder, my little sister's tapping on my shoulder no doubt asking something idiotic.

I overthink everything. I can admit that. I can also admit that I need to stop focusing so much and just... be.

And So It Goes

And so it goes. Life goes, no matter what happens, it keeps moving forward. You can live in the past in your head, but the future is always rushing at you and you can't stop it. There are endings and beginnings. Sometimes there are things that seem like only beginnings, but it's always an ending too.

Today is the realization of a sad ending. But it's also a beginning. It's a beginning for the people leaving, it's a beginning for the people left behind. If there were no endings there would be no beginnings.

Without forgetting what I've had, I've just got to look ahead. At the beginning.

Words

When the words won't come is when they need to come. So open your heart and free your soul. Pour your heart out on the page and free yourself from the harsh criticisms of the mind. Don't worry if your words aren't good enough for someone else. Don't worry if they're not good enough for yourself, because they are. You know more than you give yourself credit for. So please, don't give up on your words. They've saved me. They can save you too.