Days like today make me miss the good ol' days.

Actually. . . they weren't that good. But there was something safe in how they were. Something safe in the fact I knew what was coming, knew what would change and knew what I wanted to change. Something safe in the predictability.

I miss the getting jitters, butterflies. I miss practices in the evening and being so sore I couldn't move. I miss weekend long tournaments. I miss being so bored I wanted nothing more than to escape on the next semi truck out of town on my way to Montana. I miss four hour long conversations about the meaning of life.

I miss all of that.

I miss my friends.

I just. . . miss it.

Silence Sucks Saturdays

So. . . you see what I did there. . . last Thursday? Well, I'm doing it again, but it's Saturday. My friend that also has a blog on here has a Wordless Wednsday, and I'm going to post something EVERY Saturday, and there will always be song lyrics even if that's the only thing present. So . . . here goes.

"Before we start to lose our minds

We're leavin' all the haters behind

Before the sun decides to hide

I know you think I'm maybe out of line

I'm scared to love what we love the most

It's only gonna take a little time

Before we start to lose our minds"

-- Wake Up, Awolnation

(Untitled) by Neverjinxd

Perhaps I'm a little lonely

Waking up in a strange land

Wishing I could save the things

So extremely dear to me

In a jar

Upon my nightstand

My heart hurts once in a while

More like once a day

Because of all the things

I never got to say

I just miss you

all of you

My dearest friends

You'll never be replaced

Even if you'll do

that unthinkable act

to me someday

Breaking Radio Silence

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

-"Drops of Jupiter," by Train

A Valentines Day Hope:

I hope for someone

Who can open my heart to the violins in their soul
The drumbeat in their heart
The passion in their voice
The music in their love

Belonging

So... I was going to write about this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't think anyone would read it. I didn't think my words mattered if there was no one there to read them. I had a rough night last night, though. I didn't know what to do. I was facing both old and new problems and I didn't know what to do. I went back, and read all of my old blog posts.

I didn't even recognize them as mine. I didn't recognize the person that wrote those as the same person that was reading them. For months, I haven't been the spontaneous, (mostly) indifferent person I used to be. I haven't been confident and hopeful like I used to be.

But going back, I realized that I missed that person. I missed being happy and hard to bring down. I miss being able to do whatever I felt like without worrying about it. I'm sick of being who I was before last year. So, I'm trying to find me again.

Anyways, on to belonging. Everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere. Whether it's in a clique or a club or a team or a church group. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world where they won't be able to be replaced or kicked out of, where they can totally and truly say what they feel and not have to feel the least bit awkward or uncomfortable.

I think everyone needs a place like that.

And So I Go

So... I haven't blogged all summer. It's not that I couldn't. I could. I mean, I had plenty of time. And there were times I wanted to go back to this other writing outlet I'm not at liberty to disclose to you today. I felt like blogging was just part of my life in this little po-dunk hick town I moved away from.. But that's not true. Writing's a part of me. It's something I love to do and it's also something I do well.


So.... I took my new car and used my  new license to drive to my new to the local library, I got out my computer, and wrote this. Here, I'm free from anyone's opinions of me because no one knows me. And if they see me sitting writing like a nerd... so what? (I'm pretty sure everyone else is on Facebook, but I can do that at home) That's who I am. And no one should be afraid of what people think of them, because unless they care for you and love you, their opinions don't matter to you.

This post was a lot different from my last ones. But it's a new year, a new town, and almost a new life. I'm going to miss all of the people I'm leaving behind. I know it was worth going. In the short two years I lived there I learned a lot. I just hope I keep learning.

Free Falling

Falling hurts. Even if you're the one that jumped.  I think we all get too lost in what could be, and what might be instead of what is. We always look for ways to make everything better, and if we're convicted enough in our findings we'll take the plunge.

Right now I'm free falling. I took a leap of faith and I don't know how far down I'll go. Right now it seems like I've got no one to catch me.

Sometimes, even if we're falling we need to look around us and take in the small things. The smell of coffee in the morning, friends and family gathered around and having a good time, the smell of horses and rain, sound of thunder, my little sister's tapping on my shoulder no doubt asking something idiotic.

I overthink everything. I can admit that. I can also admit that I need to stop focusing so much and just... be.

And So It Goes

And so it goes. Life goes, no matter what happens, it keeps moving forward. You can live in the past in your head, but the future is always rushing at you and you can't stop it. There are endings and beginnings. Sometimes there are things that seem like only beginnings, but it's always an ending too.

Today is the realization of a sad ending. But it's also a beginning. It's a beginning for the people leaving, it's a beginning for the people left behind. If there were no endings there would be no beginnings.

Without forgetting what I've had, I've just got to look ahead. At the beginning.