Random Stuff, from December 'till now.

Underestimated

People underestimate the breath I take
People underestimate the moves I make

But I keep going
But I keep trying

Because I know that one day
I will no longer underestimate myself

My Turn to Say Something

You say you would do anything for me.

So why is it that you complain about the things you do do for me?

You say there's barely enough time. You say there's not enough money.

You use the things you do do for me to manipulate me into doing what you want. You bring it up, tell me how great you are. Tell me what a bad situation my needing something has put you in.

Every time I try to tell you how you make me feel you push it back on me. You tell me that it's my fault. My feelings are wrong. I'm just a hormonal teenager, my feelings don't mean anything.

So listen here. Hormonal or not there is a cause for my feelings. Nothing is without cause or effect, nothing is random.

 If you say you loved me so much, why do you try to bend me to your will for every little thing? You tell me that I'm stubborn, that I don't listen, I don't know what I'm talking about. You tell me that I'll understand when I'm older.

It's a damn good thing I'm stubborn; otherwise I'd end up exactly like you.

I'm not the only one that's no longer blind. I'm not the only one who sees.

Well, guess what? I am old enough. I see through your games and I'm not playing anymore. If only you saw as well as I do.

Here, There, Feeling and Unfeeling.

Before, I was numb. I did not feel because I was trapped. I was trapped under ice so thick that only the worst of emotions could reach me, and then only dimly. So, I focuses on being angry, sad, pessimistic, frustrated. All so I could feel. I'd gotten into the habit of feeling the bad, so much so that I forgot how to feel the good.

Now, it feels as if I've woken up for the very first time. I've broken through the surface of the frozen lake. I struggled at first, struggling to cast off the habits of negativity. I had to teach myself to focus on the good things, teach myself to be more optimistic.

But most of all, I've allowed myself to feel, and to feel deeply.

It feels good.

Diamonds

Every diamond has cuts and facets. So many fronts and faces that can either be good or bad. All of these cuts and facets, fronts and faces are unique to that individual gem. These pieces make up the whole, and if you focus on the whole you see that it is beautiful. Each one shines brightly in its own way.

Card Houses

There's a house of cards
If one falls so does another
Till they're all laying on top of each other

They look to each other for support
Leaning together to stay upright
They know they share a single fight

So fragile they are
One blow could leave them falling
By then no one would hear them calling

Still, they stand tall
Building each other up high
High enough to reach the sky.

But if one falls so does the other
Until they're all laying on top of one another

Anger

I've felt this anger before

Boiling, hot, and righteous

Can barely contain it

But I keep it in

Letting it out all at once

won't help

Words

Written words make it real. They last far longer than those spoken. Spoken words linger for only a moment before dissipating in the air, kept only in the mind. Written words can be erased, but the ink or lead sticks in the grains of the paper; you can never completely erase them. If your private words had gotten out, they could easily be seen, copied, and spread around. Words and thoughts kept in the mind are even more sacred. Hidden from all, sometimes even yourself, they are not there for people to see or hear, agree with or judge.

Repercussions

And so it goes that, just like Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion, for ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can be applied to life, as well. For everything you do will affect someone or something, and there's nothing you can do about it. Even decisions made with the best of intentions can cause the worst of situations. But what can you do, but keep making decisions with the best of intentions, even if they don't work out they way you'd hoped?

I guess as long as we do our best, we'll keep getting by. We'll do our best to solve problems as they come along, we'll do our best to keep getting the most out of life-- even if it means we'll make risky choices. Wouldn't want to be a boring wallflower, now, would we?

Sureties

You know those nights where you think: “I’m just going to go to bed, and hope things will be better in the morning.” 

Those are the nights where you feel like you want to just quit trying so hard. Give it half your effort, rather than all of it. Give up, in a sense. If you gave up, though, then you lose. You lose, and then you are a quitter. You are being a wallflower, letting life do what it wants with you and being content with that.

Maybe you wanted something so bad, but you were afraid of just going for it in the best way. Or maybe you tried your best; you gave 100 percent and then some, but it didn’t make one bit of difference. Maybe you know you’ll keep giving your best, and you also know it won’t help at all. Maybe no matter what you did, it wasn’t ‘correct,’ and you got chewed out because of it. Maybe you made a decision you’re not sure about, but you’re going to follow it through anyways because that’s just the way you are.

Maybe you’re sick of ‘maybes’ and ‘chances’ and just want something solid beneath your feet.

Life rarely has sureties, almost nothing is certain. There is always a ‘chance,’ or a ‘maybe’ that something will come along, either good or bad, that changes things. And so it goes that the only surety is the fact that nothing is for sure.

Spontaneity

Sometimes people wish for the most impossible things. A few years ago, all I wanted was a pair of wings so I could fly away (symbolic, much?) Now, I know my wishes aren’t impossible, just seemingly so. At least I know what I want, or I think I do. Some people don’t have a clue other than that they’re sure something’s missing in their life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did something so totally out of context, so random and unexpected, what would happen. People’s reactions would be priceless.

Like, say, I punched some random (or not so random) person in the face. People would be shocked, because that’s not something people would ever imagine someone like me doing, but the deeper reactions aren’t something I can even begin to imagine. It would change the way people saw me, if only for a little while.

Maybe, if you are insert appropriate emotional state here with your life, you could try to do something outside of your comfort zone? No matter how close it is to being something you usually do.

I did ramble a bit, I know. I usually tend to when I start to write. But… no matter happens, life keeps going. You can sit and be content with how crappy, unexciting, mundane, predictable, or just plain boring  things are, or work to change that, no matter how small your efforts.