The Ledge

I am afraid of falling.
There's this ledge I need to walk on.

I'm afraid
because I don't know how far down I'll go
--If I fall—
Or if
anyone will catch me

I'm afraid
because I know if I don't walk
I won't move forward

but I can't see where I'm going.
so I'm afraid
to walk
into the unknown

but I'm afraid to be afraid;

Of plummeting because I
took a misstep

Of moving forward
into the things
I cannot see

Of standing still
and never, ever
going anywhere

I'm afraid of being
on this ledge
that really,
isn't a ledge at all.

Hope

What is hope? It's a soaring in your chest, a fire in your gut and a crap-load of maybes, what-ifs, and hopefullies. Is it unreasonable to say that some hope is stupid? Yes, because stupid hope is blind to reason, and it keeps saying "You want this. You never know. Just don't give up," even though all of the signs point to that thing never panning out.

Don't get me wrong, hope is not a bad thing. But stupid hope is, because you're destined to be beat down. That blind hope is going to be broken into pieces and that's bound to hurt. Because when your riding the hope and then it falls out from underneath you, you're going to fall. It depends on you, how hard you fall because even though the blind hope was there, there was the reason behind it telling you that it was a bad idea.

Guilty As Charged

I'm guilty. Of little things, but they're there. They're there for everyone. We're guilty of criticizing ourselves too much. I do the same thing. I say 'sorry' a lot for nothing, but the truth is that I'm nervous or when I'm not quite in my element. This is my way of coping with the criticizing I force on myself. I'm guilty of thinking I understand things when I really don't. Jumping to conclusions, or assuming. I like to think I'm intelligent, but all the intelligence in the world doesn't make me understand a situation any better, only the knowledge other people can give me. I over think things, and I make myself crazy for it. I talk to myself like a crazy person just to tell myself to shut up.

A friend told me that they get jealous of other people easily. I get jealous too. Jealousy is a human emotion; we can't stop it. But I think we need to remember that, whatever the reason it is that we're jealous, we're us. I'm the best me I could possibly be, with only room for improvement.

So, we all have cracks and chips and dents in our china, but if you focus on the faults you'll fail to see the beautifully painted vase or bowl or teapot or whatever it is you are. Just be the best you you can be, and don't envy others. Rock that teapot.

Untitled

You just have to make the best of things, right? But what if what happens or what you want but can't have hurts so bad it feels like you're chest is caving in, your heart crushed by the constricting hopelessness you feel. 

I've always wondered how I could feel like I was breaking apart inside and no one would ask what was wrong. Did they not care? Or was I just good at hiding it? 

I don't want anyone to feel helpless or hopeless or hurt or angry or even merely frustrated. I know that's an unreasonable goal, so I'll settle with the best I can do. Which is as simple as asking if people are okay, and talking to them if they feel like it.

Change

Change is difficult, no matter what kind it is. There will always be grieving for something lost. Change is scary, no matter if it's good scary or bad scary. Change is something that we all encounter. The choice is yours whether to fight it all the way, or to accept (if not embrace it) and move on. I'm not saying that you should forget everything you have left, but don't be too caught up in the past to accept the future; no matter how difficult it is.

Hope is the only things that I have now, and I know some how, some way, things might just be okay. Even if it feels like I'm breaking apart inside.

Dear People

Dear People,

You are amazing. You know that, right? Because we all have bad days. We all have days where we sit in bed and cry our eyes out. You want to know why you're amazing? Because you just keep going like the frikkin energizer bunny or something. You have the will to keep smiling even though you may be breaking on the inside.  The strength to wear your heart on your sleeve and take things as they come. You have the strength to brighten someone's day, even when you don't have the strength to brighten your own.

People are always more critical of themselves than everyone else is. Someone once told me not to take myself so seriously; no one else did. We're all human. We all have bad days, good days, okay days and maybe just 'there' days. We all feel like quitting, inspiring, hoping, dreaming, wishing, losing, hating, creating, faking, and being at one point or another. We're all good at some things and suck at others.

So, while I'm sitting here writing words of hope like the biggest hypocrite in the world, I want you to believe my words. Maybe if you believe them I will too.

Thank you, everyone. For showing me that there are amazing people out there. There are people who will care. A very important friend once told me that I was only pathetic to myself. I hope I have the courage to believe that.

You're all amazing.

With Love.

A Tough Habit

I stress about things. I was going to write a post about stressing about things but I started stressing that I couldn't find the right words. Writing should be a release, right? You shouldn't have to stress about finding the right words because if they are the right words they're going to come naturally.

I couldn't sleep because I was stressing about something that, this morning, I realized was a complete misunderstanding. And I'm stressing because I'm stressing because I think maybe other people will misunderstand the same thing in the same way. I'm stressing because I'm stressing because I'm stressing over things. I didn't sleep because I was stressing. If I had slept I wouldn't be stressing over stressing. I wouldn't be stressing about not having the right words.


But for now on, I'm going to try and take a friend of mine's advice; 'don't worry so much.' Because, you know what? In the end everything is going to be okay one way or another. That's already one of my convictions (things can't not get better). So, if I believe that everything will be okay why should I stress about the little things that aren't a big deal?

It's going to be a tough habit to break. Because you know what? I grew up stressing. Over finances, hurt horses, hurt parents, grades, and stupid things. I'm not saying that you should never stress. You wouldn't have any will to fix things, but maybe I shouldn't stress so much.

This seems a lot more personal than my other posts. But I'm not going to stress about it. :)