Free Falling

Falling hurts. Even if you're the one that jumped.  I think we all get too lost in what could be, and what might be instead of what is. We always look for ways to make everything better, and if we're convicted enough in our findings we'll take the plunge.

Right now I'm free falling. I took a leap of faith and I don't know how far down I'll go. Right now it seems like I've got no one to catch me.

Sometimes, even if we're falling we need to look around us and take in the small things. The smell of coffee in the morning, friends and family gathered around and having a good time, the smell of horses and rain, sound of thunder, my little sister's tapping on my shoulder no doubt asking something idiotic.

I overthink everything. I can admit that. I can also admit that I need to stop focusing so much and just... be.

And So It Goes

And so it goes. Life goes, no matter what happens, it keeps moving forward. You can live in the past in your head, but the future is always rushing at you and you can't stop it. There are endings and beginnings. Sometimes there are things that seem like only beginnings, but it's always an ending too.

Today is the realization of a sad ending. But it's also a beginning. It's a beginning for the people leaving, it's a beginning for the people left behind. If there were no endings there would be no beginnings.

Without forgetting what I've had, I've just got to look ahead. At the beginning.

Words

When the words won't come is when they need to come. So open your heart and free your soul. Pour your heart out on the page and free yourself from the harsh criticisms of the mind. Don't worry if your words aren't good enough for someone else. Don't worry if they're not good enough for yourself, because they are. You know more than you give yourself credit for. So please, don't give up on your words. They've saved me. They can save you too.

The Ledge

I am afraid of falling.
There's this ledge I need to walk on.

I'm afraid
because I don't know how far down I'll go
--If I fall—
Or if
anyone will catch me

I'm afraid
because I know if I don't walk
I won't move forward

but I can't see where I'm going.
so I'm afraid
to walk
into the unknown

but I'm afraid to be afraid;

Of plummeting because I
took a misstep

Of moving forward
into the things
I cannot see

Of standing still
and never, ever
going anywhere

I'm afraid of being
on this ledge
that really,
isn't a ledge at all.

Hope

What is hope? It's a soaring in your chest, a fire in your gut and a crap-load of maybes, what-ifs, and hopefullies. Is it unreasonable to say that some hope is stupid? Yes, because stupid hope is blind to reason, and it keeps saying "You want this. You never know. Just don't give up," even though all of the signs point to that thing never panning out.

Don't get me wrong, hope is not a bad thing. But stupid hope is, because you're destined to be beat down. That blind hope is going to be broken into pieces and that's bound to hurt. Because when your riding the hope and then it falls out from underneath you, you're going to fall. It depends on you, how hard you fall because even though the blind hope was there, there was the reason behind it telling you that it was a bad idea.

Guilty As Charged

I'm guilty. Of little things, but they're there. They're there for everyone. We're guilty of criticizing ourselves too much. I do the same thing. I say 'sorry' a lot for nothing, but the truth is that I'm nervous or when I'm not quite in my element. This is my way of coping with the criticizing I force on myself. I'm guilty of thinking I understand things when I really don't. Jumping to conclusions, or assuming. I like to think I'm intelligent, but all the intelligence in the world doesn't make me understand a situation any better, only the knowledge other people can give me. I over think things, and I make myself crazy for it. I talk to myself like a crazy person just to tell myself to shut up.

A friend told me that they get jealous of other people easily. I get jealous too. Jealousy is a human emotion; we can't stop it. But I think we need to remember that, whatever the reason it is that we're jealous, we're us. I'm the best me I could possibly be, with only room for improvement.

So, we all have cracks and chips and dents in our china, but if you focus on the faults you'll fail to see the beautifully painted vase or bowl or teapot or whatever it is you are. Just be the best you you can be, and don't envy others. Rock that teapot.